Talking Finances with Family
Five tips for tackling touchy subjects
By Robin Raff
Tip #1: Prepare for the conversation.
Before starting any conversation about healthcare or finances, make sure you understand the options available so you will be viewed as a valuable resource. The following websites provide information you will need to know when advising anyone over age 65 about healthcare choices:
Using a service such as Longevity Alliance is another way to understand the various decision points around healthcare, long-term care and investment products. Gather as much information as possible in advance so you are prepared for questions and able to help older family members or friends think through how they will want to live their later years. For example, do they wish to remain at home, downsize or move to a retirement community with an assisted living option?
Tip #2: Have the discussion when everybody's relaxed.
If it can be avoided, it is best not to discuss these topics immediately following a crisis such as the hospitalization or death of a parent. Most people realize after a crisis that they need to plan better for the future. But it is best to have these discussions before that time, when you can all think clearly and are not under duress.
Be sensitive to family dynamics, relationship issues and the mood and setting before beginning the conversation. Picking the right time is very important. While holidays may give families a rare opportunity to talk together, not all family members should be present for the conversation. Determining who should participate, and when to talk, will primarily be based on relationships among family members. Even during holiday gatherings, there are opportunities for two or three people to speak privately, such as when driving together or sitting quietly between family activities.
Tip #3: Remember, in their eyes you're still the "child."
The changing dynamic between adult children and their parents can be threatening or even frightening to some elderly adults. It may also feel strange for you, as the adult child, to assist with these personal issues. So be prepared: There may be some discomfort, and your parent may be defensive or resentful when you offer your support. Do not take this personally. Instead, prepare for this so that you can overcome any tension that may result, and swiftly move into a productive conversation.
Tip #4: Make the process a team effort.
As we age, our cognitive abilities decline. Taking in complex information becomes more diffi cult and may be embarrassing. These tactics will help the discussion blossom:
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Work together as a team; do not do for them what they can do for themselves.
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Go at your parent's pace and be patient as he or she digests the information.
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Use humor as appropriate to keep things light, but don't ever make fun of them during the process.
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If your parent seems overwhelmed by the information, express your empathy and support by agreeing that it is a lot to take in. You may want to set up a few shorter sessions to review all of the needed information.
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Respect your parents' intelligence. He or she may need to go slowly, but can still understand what you will be discussing.
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When you use information to help guide the conversation, have it available in a variety of formats, from articles to charts. Whether a reader or someone who prefers information visually, choices increase the information's usefulness.
Tip #5: Prepare an engaging story to start the talk.
Sometimes just starting a conversation about a challenging topic is the hardest part, and the rest is smooth sailing. Some examples of conversation starters:
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Discuss the increasing costs of health care.
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Discuss the high costs that a friend or family member must be paying for the care of an aging family member whom your parents know.
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Bring up an article (have a copy on hand) about the high costs of living into our later years.
If there is resistance, maybe the time is not right. Try again later or suggest an expert advisor who might be able to help. But return to the subject at some point, because difficult as it is, having the conversation is a giant step towards assuring that you and your parents enjoy the benefits and rewards of longer life expectancy.
Robin Raff is an independent marketing consultant with expertise in the aging baby boomer and mature market segments.
As printed in Longevity Alliance's Newsletter: Momentum, December 2006